The Constant Battle

I feel that I am a bad planner.

In "A Severe Mercy", Sheldon Vanauken, when speaking of the relatively short marriage he enjoyed with his wife, Davy, said that in spite of the fact that they never even reached a silver anniversary, he felt that they had had very timeful (that is, time-full) lives. If you read his book (which you should; go get it RIGHT NOW), by the time you get to the part where he says this, you'll know exactly what he means. He speaks of him and Davy spending entire summer days walking and talking and reading, and there are many "moments made eternity" that they share, in which they are so engrossed in the moment that it seems as though time has ceased to exist.

So often I feel like I am being pushed forward by time. This is where the planning thing comes in; maybe I'm just thinking about it too much, but I feel that if I were to plan things out better, and be more intentional with how I spend my time, I wouldn't feel like my time were being taken from me. It's so strange that humans and time are locked in a constant struggle; no one ever seems satisfied with their relationship to time. There's always too little, it goes too fast or too slow, and the more time passes the less time we have. I get a little depressed thinking about it.

Lately I've been feeling like I need to write down everything that happens in my life; lots of big things have happened in the past few weeks, but it's hard to take the time to really sit down and process everything. Yet if I don't, I feel like somehow those events and experiences will escape me. There's something in my subconscience that believes if I can only write everything down, that thief called time won't be able to steal it away from me. And yet, when I try to journal in a play-by-play style, it feels more like a burden than a release.

I'm not really sure how to resolve my thoughts. I feel a little unresolved, so maybe it's appropriate.