The Constant Battle

I feel that I am a bad planner.

In "A Severe Mercy", Sheldon Vanauken, when speaking of the relatively short marriage he enjoyed with his wife, Davy, said that in spite of the fact that they never even reached a silver anniversary, he felt that they had had very timeful (that is, time-full) lives. If you read his book (which you should; go get it RIGHT NOW), by the time you get to the part where he says this, you'll know exactly what he means. He speaks of him and Davy spending entire summer days walking and talking and reading, and there are many "moments made eternity" that they share, in which they are so engrossed in the moment that it seems as though time has ceased to exist.

So often I feel like I am being pushed forward by time. This is where the planning thing comes in; maybe I'm just thinking about it too much, but I feel that if I were to plan things out better, and be more intentional with how I spend my time, I wouldn't feel like my time were being taken from me. It's so strange that humans and time are locked in a constant struggle; no one ever seems satisfied with their relationship to time. There's always too little, it goes too fast or too slow, and the more time passes the less time we have. I get a little depressed thinking about it.

Lately I've been feeling like I need to write down everything that happens in my life; lots of big things have happened in the past few weeks, but it's hard to take the time to really sit down and process everything. Yet if I don't, I feel like somehow those events and experiences will escape me. There's something in my subconscience that believes if I can only write everything down, that thief called time won't be able to steal it away from me. And yet, when I try to journal in a play-by-play style, it feels more like a burden than a release.

I'm not really sure how to resolve my thoughts. I feel a little unresolved, so maybe it's appropriate.

Act I: A Major Decision

I am fascinated by the constant chain-reactions of life. It seems like everything, from individual relationships to political and religious movements to ideas in the media and the arts are nothing more than a series of actions and reactions. Everyone is reacting to what the people before them said, although sometimes ideas become circular, like fashion trends. Is there a limit to the ideas that we plant our flags in, or is there no end to where it goes? Is this chain-reaction of life going in a circle, or in a straight line?

The more I think about it, the more I talk about it with other people, and the more I experiment with it, the more I think I want to be a journalism major. I love thinking about abstract ideas, but I also love thinking about real people and experiences, and applying those ideas to the realities of life. Journalism seems like a good place to do that. I'd want it with a literary twist, though; news anchoring or newspaper reporting sounds boring to me, not creative enough.

As my paper project I'm in the Torrey play, and my mentor suggested, after I expressed an interest in creative journalism, "This American Life" style, that I could produce a creative non-fiction podcast as a reflection on my experience in the play. I need to just sit down and think about how I want to do that; the play opens this week, and this semester has been a whirlwind so I haven't taken the time to really hammer it out. I'm excited for it, though, and like I said, the more I think about journalism like that, the more it sounds like something I'd actually want to do.

I think thoughts. Lots of thoughts.

Today has been a weird Thursday. My Thursdays are usually pretty busy; I've got music theory at 8:00 (it's a fine class, but an evil time), then I try to go to chapel, then I usually lay down to take a half hour nap and wake up two hours later (rehearsals until midnight plus 8:00 classes take their toll), then I'll get lunch, do a little homework, go to sight-singing class. After that, I'll do more homework, usually go to Bible study with my floor mates from last year, then dinner, then more homework until rehearsal. Tired yet? I am.

Last night I was up until about 1:30. I could have left rehearsal early, but I simply didn't want to. Rehearsals just get my blood pumping, and even though it's late and I usually have to stay up after to finish homework, it's absolutely worth it. I stayed while they blocked a scene I'm not in, and enjoyed observing my fellow actors work and journaling in my theatre journal. Afterward I finished my music theory homework that I had forgotten about in the Student Union Building with Nick, a junior in the play, and Chelsea, also a junior, and our artistic director.

I slept for about two hours, then got up at 3:45 to take my friend Anna to the airport for her 6:00 flight. The whole trip only took about an hour, because there was very little traffic at such an ungodly hour to be awake. Even though I was tired, I enjoyed the drive; I love Anna, and we talked about the plays (she's in "The Magician's Nephew"). I told her about our super-duper fun rehearsal on Monday night (to read about it, check out my theatre blog). I got back to school about 5:15, slept for two more hours, went to theory . . . and everything else pretty much follows the pattern from my first paragraph.

This semester is flying by, probably due to my busy schedule with the play. The only thing that makes me sad is how quickly it will be over, but I won't think about that; I am going to be intentional about loving what I'm doing! I always look back on seasons in my life and wonder, should I have been more proactive? Should I have done something differently to have gotten even more out of that experience? But those thoughts are silly. I'm thoroughly having a blast in "The Dining Room", and for the most part I haven't been plagued by those self-doubts that are so typical for me.

I feel like there's so much I want to do; write more, read more for fun, play piano again, draw, and I've been toying with the idea of somehow compiling passages/ideas/themes from the authors and theologians we've been reading that have been particularly impacting or inspiring for me. Torrey plans their curriculum well, and there are always common threads and echoing voices in the texts we read every semester. And this semester is particularly important; like I said earlier, it's particularly difficult, and I haven't had as much time or energy to put into it with the play, but I don't want to let it just slip by. That's why I'm thinking, maybe starting next weekend or week, I'll start putting together some kind of informal essay to pull things together. It might be helpful to do this weekend, because I've got "mid-rags" (Torrey mid-term) on Monday. And I'll have a sort-of break next week, because instead of class we have a special conference Monday through Friday.

In particular, I'm thinking about the ideas of mysticism presented by Pseudo-Dionysius, Bonaventure and Dante, as well as the beautiful, unfathomable concept of the immense love and grace God has for us, manifested, of course, in Jesus Christ.

A Brief Thought on Calvin (and other things)

I really need to write more. Life has been crazy with the play, and school, and just life stuff. It's getting to the point that I feel I'm going to burst from all the things filling up my heart and mind unless I write them down. Writing is such a wonderful release, such a wonderful way to articulate the things that swim around in my soul.

I'm reading Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion for Torrey right now. It's been a tough semester; with the play, I haven't had as much energy to focus on Torrey work, although everything has been really interesting. Interesting, but difficult. I think Jordan put it aptly when he said that he thinks I like everyone; that is, I'm pretty charitable toward almost any author I read. It's easy to get worked up over theology, especially when Calvin's in the mix, and maybe I'll feel differently when we actually get to his meatier, predestination stuff, but mostly I enjoy learning about what everyone has had to say about Christianity, and usually I can understand where they're coming from.

I want to write more, but I have to go to class. Meh.

Sunday afternoon

I don't have much time to write; I'm going to a theatre workshop this afternoon for the Torrey play. It's not mandatory for the cast of "The Dining Room", but it sounds like a cool opportunity. A guy named Chad (that's all I know about him) is going to be leading it, and apparently he has done some of the stuff we're learning about more professionally. Plus, it may be the only time the casts of "The Dining Room" and "The Magician's Nephew" do something together.

Time to go!

All grown-ups were once children, although few of them remember it.

I'm reading The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. I had been wanting to find something . . . lighter to read to off-set all of this heavy theology (currently steeped in: Aquinas). I didn't even know I had The Little Prince with me until, after getting up today, I bent down to find something on my bookshelf unrelated to school with which I could occupy my mind for a little while. And I found it. Underneath Strunk's Elements of Style (which I also considered; yes, I read that for fun. The craft of communicating well is a true art form).

I began reading, and soon I was in Neverland. The appreciation of children, the loss of not only innocence, but imagination that seems to plague adulthood; J.M. Barrie flickered in and out of my head as Saint-Exupery eased me out of my box and into his world that feels so close yet so fantastic.

Happy Friday

I am so glad it's the weekend! I haven't felt this ready for a weekend for a while (and it's only the second week of school!). This week has been busy, and things are only going to get busier (but hopefully in a good way).

I had all of these goals of getting ahead on schoolwork over Labor Day weekend; of course, few of them were met. When I have extra time off, it's so hard to push myself to do extra work. I usually fall into the temptation of extra relaxation that things like long weekends or canceled classes offer. Actually, that's probably a good thing for me; I tend to overwork myself. Still, I have resolved to push myself these next couple of Saturdays, because things are speeding up and I want to stay ahead of the game.

Monday night I went to the first official meeting of the Torrey Creative Society, a group of Torrey students with a passion for, well, creativity, and helping Torrey to run smoother and be presented and advertised better by utilizing the creative and administrative talents of students. I'm technically already a member, which was kind of a surprise at the end of last semester. I went to an "informational" meeting and was told that everyone who had shown up was an automatic member. I wasn't exactly sure what I was getting into, but I'm actually really excited about it; plus, now I don't have to go through the "selective" application process.

Tuesday night: I auditioned for the Torrey theatre plays! There are going to be two this semester, "The Dining Room" and "The Magician's Nephew". Two plays, two directors; and one told us specifically that she's perfectly okay with the fact that probably no one at Biola has ever heard of "The Dining Room". I debated for a while about whether or not to audition, but I am SO glad I did. I love theatre! I've missed it, and auditions themselves were super fun. Even now, I have lingering doubts, but it feels good to take a risk and own it.

Wednesday and Thursday night: callbacks. I got called back for both plays! Both of the call backs were unique and exhilarating. Dining Room lasted from 9-midnight, and I was done with Magician's Nephew by 9:45. I know both plays will be wonderful, and the cast lists will be posted tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed!

So here I am on Friday night, enjoying the decreased pressure of having to get things done by the next morning, although like I said, this weekend will be filled with homeworking. It will be good, though; I'm ready to tackle some of this stuff (I think; I'm reading Thomas Aquinas, and he's pretty heavy).